The Incredible Tour Guide (like a superhero, only different)

I’ll set the scene.  We chose as our Akaroa excursion, a bus trip in to Christchurch.  Couple of reasons – it is said to be a beautiful drive, we would leave at 8.30, with 90 minutes there, 90 minutes back and 4 hours in Christchurch, we would be back to walk around Akaroa for an hour or so and, we were interested in seeing Christchurch.

Due to the high winds and 13 degree temperature and the possibility of sleet, the tenders’ capacity was reduced because no one could get on the top deck.  This pushed our departure back later and later until we finally got going at 10.30.  Because we were 2 hours late leaving we thought we’d have only 2 hours in Christchurch because the last tender left Akaroa at 6pm and the ship would sail away.

So we get on the bus.  Up the front is an old bloke who was to be our guide, maybe a canny local, knew all about the area.  Not so apparently.  His first comments were…”I’m not from Akaroa but I’ve being doing this since I was young.”  It soon became apparent they’d lost their usual guide for the day and had called into the retirement village and found the village idiot and roped him in to a bus ride.  It seems they have kidnapped him before he had a chance to take his medication for the day.  His name was Dennis – and what a menace!!

He told us we’d have 4 hours in Christchurch and we’d be back about 7.  We told him we had to be back by 6, he reliably informed us the ship wouldn’t leave without us if Dennis has his way.  Soooo 2000 passengers, 800 crew with a date for Dunedin the next day is going to wait for Dennis and 30 passengers because he said so.  (Sadly we report he was actually right)

Off we go and he started with a story about the local area, “This building is the Hotel and that…um…the fishing here is……um…here…..it’s cold today….sorry…..we’ll go over the mountains to the….um…Christchurch.”  It was about this stage the Alzheimer’s kicked in and for about a minute he just said random words, a bit like a sight words drill.

We’d come into a little village, he’d read the name plate of the village and then try to tell us the Maori name – couldn’t quite get it out with his tongue getting caught up in his false teeth.  We were driving along with Dennis droning on and he’d say, “We have the University to the left.”  Nothing but sheep in a paddock??  “Oh,” he’d add, “You can’t see it but it’s the oldest University in New Zealand.  And on your right is a new wind farm, it’s behind those mountains so you can’t see it but it uses the latest technology.  There is a launch pad for a rocket program on the right.”  Nothing but a sheep paddock.  “Oh,” he’d add, “It hasn’t been built yet but that’s where it will be.”

He was forever starting a story and stops midsentence and seems to forget to start again.  Then starts another.  Approaching the outskirts of Christchurch I think he pointed out every single building…….”That one’s new, that one survived the earthquake…that’s a vacant lot, that building didn’t make it, that one’s new…..on and on and on.”  We passed a flour factory.  “Flour…um…factory we export all over the world etc.” (Like etc …..we must export somewhere else other than the world??)  “We have tradesmen to rebuild Christchurch coming from India, England all over the world….etc.”  Like we have men from the moon coming to help??? 

Passed a paddock of sheep…..”Sheep”…….passed a paddock of dairy cows……”Cows”.  Then….that paddock we passed back then…..”That green…ah….um….material…..feed….animals……etc”  Pam and I were hysterical up the back, no one else on the bus seemed to think there was any problem. 

Just as we got in to Christchurch there was a little silence….next minute Dennis burped!!!  Over the microphone!!!  Not one of those clean, clear Coca Cola burps but one of those wet, sloppy ones where your think there may be a bit of follow through.  He tried to disguise it but it was crystal clear…no-one else on the bus seemed to hear it. 

We got to Christchurch after 2 hours, Dennis still insisted on a late pickup despite protests.  So we had a lovely time in town looking at all the destruction and the rebuild.  Then right on time met the bus at 5pm for the trip back over the ranges to the ship.  Of course his first comment, “All those not here put your hands up!”  People laughed and laughed, Pam and I cried and cried.  He must have been using it for 60 years and his philosophy sure is….an oldie but a goody!!  I’m sure it gets a laugh everytime so he’ll keep using it.

Not sure if Dennis remembered we had heard his commentary on the way in….but he insisted on repeating it all on the return journey…etc.  “This house in a new one, that one survived the earthquake…that’s a vacant lot, that building didn’t make it, that one’s new etc………sheep…….cows……wind farm…….University……etc.

By this time we were doubled up with laughter and again no one else seemed to notice.  We did get a bit of a break, about 10 minutes before we got to the top of the range (of course he ALWAYS left the microphone on whether he was talking or not….remember the burping incident?) and we could hear a slow steady breathing…we decided he had drifted off to sleep.  About 5 minutes after cresting the top and on the way down the other side, hurtling down hill around hairpin bends and along sheer drops in to the valley, we heard movement.  “For any of you who may have just dozed off, we’re now over the range and coming down the other side.”  I nearly wet myself.

We came around the last hill and sure enough the ship was still there, the tender was waiting with a few cold and very patient crew.  Saw nothing of Akaroa, but at least we made it back to the ship!!!  Not sure if Dennis is going to get this gig again?  The sooner he gets back to his padded cell, takes his medication and has a lie down....... the better for all of us and the world etc.